Table For One

by Darren Hayman

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1.
Caravan Song 03:11
Cathy drinks Babycham In her lead-lined windowed, three berth caravan She watches the hundred greatest T.V. hits of ’99. Trevor drinks when he can In the club house on a Wednesday with his Mam For three games of bingo and a fat stand up with a covers band. Oh they want to be free But no-one knows what freedom means Oh they want somebody to tow their caravan far away Oh they want somebody to make their caravan rock and sway. Cathy doesn’t understand How she reached the age of fifty without a man But she’s got hobbies; she’s got a life and a fake sun tan. Trevor kisses his Mum He tucks her into bed and she says ‘Son,You should be getting laid, not sitting playing bingo with me. They all want to be free But no-one knows what freedom means Oh they want somebody to tow their caravan far away Oh they want somebody to make their caravan rock and sway.
2.
And just by looking at his shoes You can see all you need to know Slightly scuffed and tatty black brogues That were well worn and well loved. He’d wear them into class all week He’d wear them out on Friday nights. He’d wear the only suit he owned And his only pair of cuff links. He was a legend in the class room, A whisper across the playground. He was a hero in his local, They wouldn’t let him buy his round. And I bet he loves his missus I bet he treats her like a queen I bet he thinks she looks like Sandie Shaw Or Kiki Dee or Dusty. I bet he never let a girl turn his head I bet he never slept all alone in a single bed I bet he loves his missus I bet he treats her like a queen. And just by looking at his hands You can tell he’s not the lazy kind You can tell by his tight grip hand shake That he never crossed a picket line. Some hear half-hearted sighs Some see disappointed eyes But they know when he retires He will have all he wished for. And I bet he loves his missus I bet he treats her like a queen I bet he thinks she looks like Sandie Shaw Or Kiki Dee or Dusty, I bet he never let a girl turn his head I bet he never slept all alone in a single bed I bet he loves his missis I bet he treats her like a queen
3.
Baby, keep you clothes on It’s not that way and hasn’t been for some time. Sweetheart, what was it you wanted, Real old floors in every room and a bath big enough for two? Be calm, be strong, Money just won’t help today, These things break hearts in perfect homes. These walls are thin But all walls let the shit and heartache in They don’t sleep safe in perfect homes. Angel, don’t you want to live? Don’t you want something more than off-white walls and your blessed equity? Now tell me what if it’s a big mistake? What if a little bit of you hankers for a smaller house with a bigger heart? Be calm, be strong, Money just won’t help today These things break hearts in perfect homes. These walls are thin But all walls let the shit and heartache in They don’t sleep safe in perfect homes Behave, be sure, That what you want can be both mine and yours Be calm, be strong, Money just won’t help today. Baby, keep you clothes on It’s not that way and hasn’t been for some time.
4.
She was kind of like a bride on a bad hen night Embarrassed but expecting better things Her new best friend had made her papier mache wings But that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like. She was kind of like a girl on her first day at work In her neatly ironed Marks and Spencer shirt She had shoes which said ‘Please like me’ And hair which said ‘Please like me’ But that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like. She was kind of like an air hostess on a plane That was plummeting down to the ground Her face remained stoic and proud But inside she was crying out loud. But that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like at all. No that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like at all. She was kind of like a girl who sat at home all day Leafing through her week old magazines. Thinking ‘That’s not me, and I pray it won’t be.’ She was kind of like an air hostess on a plane That was plummeting down to the ground Her face remained stoic and proud But inside she was crying out loud. But that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like at all. No that isn’t right, that’s not what she’s like at all.
5.
Grey Hairs 03:44
Don’t you ever think that you might get surprised By the wrinkles and the crow’s feet round my eyes? Why can’t you see they’re just laughter lines But do I laugh a little too much? I’m not half as fucking funny as you think I am I can’t be any good for you, you think I can. It’s the trust you place in me that I can hardly stand And I don’t laugh nearly enough. Darling, I won’t mind your grey hairs one little bit Darling, I won’t mind your grey hairs one little bit. You only need to hold on gently ‘cos I won’t let you go And if you need to make some new friends, you can let the old ones go. In our own quiet way we have a strength that we don’t show But we can feel it when we’re alone. Darling, I won’t mind your grey hairs one little bit Darling, I won’t mind your grey hairs one little bit. Sweetheart, won’t you always be there for me? Darling, I don’t mind your grey hairs one little bit.
6.
You Chose Me 04:11
You chose to study back at school You chose the gothy kids you chose to be uncool You chose the geeky boy because you thought him kind He chose your best friend and you changed your mind. I lost complete track of time whilst I was standing still, I was doing things I shouldn’t do, I was popping funny pills. You’re so bleedin’ perfect, you could never understand I’ve only screwed up once, maybe twice, maybe three times. You chose me, you can’t change your mind, you can’t change your mind. You chose me, you can’t change your mind, you can’t change your mind. You chose a job, you chose to buy a home You chose the right time, you chose to be alone You told to tell your friends you were happy then You chose to tell a lie, you chose to pretend. Jennifer Jones has got funny bones But she can sure turn heads. I kissed her once and we used tongues But I never saw her bed. What you saw when you drove pastWas me telling her to go. When she said ‘Yes’ I would say ‘No’ I don’t want to let you go. You chose me, you can’t change your mind, you can’t change your mind. You chose me, you can’t change your mind, you can’t change your mind. Oh I love you, no one else will do to tie my shoes or keep me buttoned up. Oh I love you, no one else could be a friend to me and still be sweet in bed.
7.
A quarter Jack Russell, a quarter beagle, A half Border Collie that won’t come to heel. With rotten old teeth, and sores on his coat, He’s only fourteen but that’s sixty in dog years. It’s raining and it’s cold and he won’t come to you when you call. And you wish all the wrong things in the world could be right. Don’t worry dear, The National Canine Defence League is here When life is astray and all dog eared I’ll keep you safe and I’ll keep you right here. Don’t look at me for someone to blame When it gets dark so early I feel just the same If we collect all the strays and make them feel safe There’ll be some more out there to keep us awake. It’s a hard life to be sure And life’s short so make it yours. And pull out your tail from between your legs. That’s what I said. Don’t worry dear, The National Canine Defence League is here When life is astray and all dog eared I’ll keep you safe and I’ll keep you right here. Don’t get so excited You can’t do every little thing yourself Don’t worry dear, The National Canine Defence League is here When life is astray and all dog eared I’ll keep you safe and I’ll keep you right here.
8.
Her friends make her want to leave And their attitudes make her want to leave And the trees wait for tiny spots of blossom And the city waits for plucky little Christine. She feels the protons and the neutrons All the tiny atoms that dance around her heart She feels the blood pump through her veins Makes her feel she’s doing right for the first time in her life. Well you’ve known this is your home Since before the age of mobile phones Stay where you belong, my plucky Christine. She feels the protons and the neutrons All the tiny atoms that dance around her heart She feels the blood pump through her veins Makes her feel she’s doing right for the first time in her life. She’s firm, like the ground beneath her feet That covers the whole earth and spins around the sun That brightens up her day at least ‘till it gets dark She throws her head up to the sky and counts the tiny stars.
9.
Extremely influential New York guitar band Seeks lead singer / rhythm guitarist I guess I could switch maybe play rhythm Get my friend Walter in on bass I guess it could maybe be fun I guess the band could carry on. New York band seeks second guitarist Because our last one just went back to college Well my friend Willie plays the keyboards So I guess the band could carry on. That makes me Walter, Willie and Maureen And the band carries on and on and on. It’s alright if nobody likes the music that you like It’s ok if everyone hates the music that you play. You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on and never let go. Tonight for one night and one night only Those counter culture revolutionaries With none of the original members Cause Maureen thought she’d take a rest We thought it would be for the best If the band carried on and on and on. It’s alright if nobody likes the music that you like It’s ok if everyone hates the music that you play. You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on and never let go. Play rock and roll real slow. You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on with both hands You’ve got to hold on and never let go. Well I still write songs but I keep them in my head They don’t need to be recorded they don’t need to be heard I bought a guitar the other day, thought maybe I’d play Just a little every day, to keep the blues away At the back of my mind there’s a small downtown bar Where the band carries on and on and on.
10.
All the time she used to say ‘Life is like a Beckett play’ I would shake my head and push her hand away. She would always talk this way, saying things to pass the day I would have to work out what she meant. And ooh… you know she’s trying to hard She’s got a good, good heart, but an under-used library card. Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything’s wrong all the time. Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything’s wrong all the time. It was sometime after this, I said something quite remiss I said ‘Cut the bullshit and come clean.’ She said ‘The devil’s in the detail see, like dirty soles on children’s feet. Those details are all that’s helping me.' And ooh… when those children sing Just a little out of tune, they make their parents swoon. Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything’s wrong all the time. Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything’s wrong all the time.
11.
At seven o’clock I wake, hunched up in a ball I don’t know what I’m dreaming of. By eight o’clock you’re gone and it all starts to go wrong I don’t know how to get along By twelve o’clock I’m frightened for no reason at all I don’t know how to stop this fall I’m scared of the e-mails, the post and the phone calls I only need you home, that’s all. I’m waiting and hoping for something to happen I’m hoping you’ll wait here with me. I need you, I want you, you know that I love you But sometimes I’m scared that you won’t stay with me. But I want you to stay, won’t waste another day. I’m waiting and hoping for something to happen I’m hoping you’ll wait here with me. I wasted a year it’s true On the fear of me loosing you I didn’t know what I should do When you needed me Or when I needed you And you know that if you asked me to I’d lay across the tracks of the North London line for you But it’s much harder what you ask me to do Just pull myself through. I’m waiting and hoping for something to happen I’m hoping you’ll wait here with me. I need you, I want you, you know that I love you But sometimes I’m scared that you won’t stay with me. But I want you to stay, won’t waste another day. I’m waiting and hoping for something to happen I’m hoping you’ll wait here with me. Oh the comfort of your arms Like a warm winter bath Where you feel no-one can hurt you Where no-one can invade Don’t you ever feel afraid? I don’t know what makes me this way Don’t want to waste another year away. I’m waiting and hoping for something to happen I’m hoping you’ll wait here with me.
12.

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The first album from Darren Hayman upon disbanding Hefner and The French. A return to the guitar sound he was previously known for, this release is raucous, fun and intelligent.

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released September 16, 2006

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Darren Hayman England, UK

This is the official Bandcamp page for songwriter Darren Hayman, the Indie band Hefner, The French and other side projects.

This bandcamp page was compiled by Audio Antihero - audioantihero.bandcamp.com

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